Life out here - A viewpoint by Bret Kofford: Fighting rainbows

February 28, 2001

We must come together to fight rainbows!

I write to you today because we at Citizens for American Respectability, Period! (CARP!) are asking for your help in our holy battle against rainbows, as we just found out how evil rainbows truly are.

Yes, we have discovered the homosexual rights movement has co-opted the rainbow, just as it co-opted the term "gay," country line dancing and the whole tight jeans, neatly trimmed mustache look many of us in the fundamentalist movement used to favor. Because we have no chance of ever taking back rainbows, we must battle to wipe rainbows, both natural and created, off the face of the earth.

We were first informed last week of the evil of rainbows thanks to a homosexual-created brouhaha in Traverse City, Mich. — a place reported from our surveillance to be the home of some actual homosexuals — where some sneaky city commission/covert gay activist types sneaked rainbow-infected bumper stickers onto city vehicles, including police cars. (Police cars! the nerve!)


These small-town, Midwestern stealthy gay rights provocateurs disguised as "city officials" said they only created the rainbow bumper stickers for city vehicles to "spread a message of unity, with the words ‘We are Traverse City' and human figures on a rainbow background."

Can you believe the nerve of that?

Thanks to our fundamentalist friends at the American Family Association, the people of Traverse City (and those of us at CARP!, frankly) soon found out the rainbow meant acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle. Some city commissioners who supported the rainbow bumper stickers said they hadn't known that the rainbow stickers meant support for gay rights, but if you believe that you probably believe Alec Baldwin is straight.

One Traverse City police officer who protested about having a rainbow sticker on his patrol car had a conservative legal foundation take up his side and got that horrible multi-colored monstrosity removed, freeing him to return to his duties of enforcing the laws and cracking skulls without worrying that people might think he has panties under his uniform because he has a rainbow on his cruiser.

The American Family Association and other right-thinking humans, in a righteous uproar, soon forced the city to rid itself of the bumper stickers, and all is well again in Traverse City, although, according to our surveillance, a few homosexuals still live there.

With the glorious victory in Traverse City we have beaten down rainbows once, and it feels good, so we want to do it again and again. With your generous contributions and cooperation, we can attack rainbows from all sides.

After you send a really large check to CARP!, (205 N. 8th St., El Centro, CA 92243), you can take action yourself. Throw out, no burn, all those old Rainbow Brite dolls. Don't watch "Mork and Mindy" reruns, what with Robin Williams promoting the homosexual agenda through his rainbow-striped suspenders. Don't use Tide and don't support its racing team and its fruity Tide-colored car, driven by who else but Ricky Craven? Don't eat Lifesavers. Don't sing songs from the "Wizard of Oz," lest you might stumble onto the offending one and feel an urge to sing it. Wear brown, black and gray, maybe navy blue if you want to risk it, but wear no colors of the rainbow. Don't support the Rainbow Coalition, even though Jesse Jackson apparently is as straight as a drill bit, according to his paternity records. Find those old Ritchie Blackmore and Rainbow eight-track tapes and stomp them into oblivion.

We will be working with some of our top-flight scientists at CARP! to do what they can to wipe out the climatic sensations that create rainbows. We know we must fight the problem at its source, and the source is each and every rainbow in the sky.

But we need your continuing help. The next time, after a rainstorm clears the air and the sun pops out and makes a multicolored, luminescent rainbow in a corner of the sky, turn your face, and the faces of your children, away from the evil. Don't think a rainbow is a beautiful thing God created for us to admire, something to warm our hearts through the beauty of His creations. Instead, remind yourself there are still homosexuals in the world.

Yes, hate each and every rainbow, because there is not a pot of gold but a pot of Ethel Merman records at the end of that rainbow.

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