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Life out here by Bret Kofford: K.O. SAP ASAP

May 02, 2001

A Harvard economist has determined the downturn in the nation's economy can be traced directly to the Imperial Irrigation District's installation of the German-made SAP computer software system a few years ago.

"We're not surprised," said Paula Jacques Tortellini, a spokeswoman for Imperial Valley farmers. "We have been saying for years that the SAP system was the root of all evil, responsible for everything from higher IID water prices to the whole ‘boy band' sensation. Now we have our proof."

Harvard economist Han Me Yen said while it might seem to be a stretch to connect the installation of one computer software system in a rural irrigation district to the drastic dip in the greatest economy in the world's history, it is not a reach if one has enough money donated from certain sources to fund his research.

"Here's how I determined it worked," Yen said. "The installation of SAP at IID ASAP COD BYOB drove up the price of water a little bit in the Valley, which made the price for crops from the Valley that feed pigs slightly higher, which made pork farmers buy less pig feed, which made confidence in pork bellies go down because there was less in the bellies of pork, which hurt confidence in the entire commodities market, which then hurt confidence in Wall Street, which made Donald Trump's comb-over curl up before it reached its final cranial destination.

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"It's happened before. It's known in economics as the Trump Hair Flop Effect," Yen continued. "All economists and investors know if Donald Trump can't afford to have his team of personal hairdressers do his comb-over right several times every day so he can continue to bed bony Euro-trash models less than half his age, then the economy is obviously in a downward spiral. Nothing hurts confidence in the economy more than that ever-swirling factor."

When asked if the Trump Hair Flop Effect would affect other major American investors such as the Bass brothers, Yen said he was told by the investors in his research that he had never heard of the Bass brothers if he wanted the money for his research to keep coming.

Yen said there also seems to be a strong link between the SAP and mad cow disease plagues.

"Both started late last decade, both are devastating farmers and both are from Europe," Yen said. "How much stronger could the connection be?

"Some people have been trying to link SAP to the Nazis and the start of World War II," Yen said. "That's ridiculous, absurd. We do have some evidence, however, that SAP killed Archduke Ferdinand to start World War I.

"I also blame SAP for my jockey shorts being too tight right now," Yen continued. "That is the most firm evidence we've got about the havoc SAP is creating in this world. Think it through. The price for water goes up slightly in the Imperial Valley, which pushes up the price of Valley cotton, which makes the factories in Malaysia use slightly less material in their jockey shorts because the price of cotton is up, which means tighter underpants coming to the Wal-Mart men's section where I buy my underpants, which drives up my voice and the voices of all those boys in *NSYNC and all the other boy bands on the radio and MTV. Now you see the connection, right?

"The world is a mess and it is all the fault of SAP," Yen said. "Think about all the hell that little system has wrought: Mad cow disease, the Backstreet Boys, unfilled pork bellies, Boyzone, Donald Trump's scalp publicly revealed. It's a sad, sad world thanks to SAP."

Said farm community spokeswoman Tortellini: "The sad thing is no one at IID did the fundamental research that would have revealed that, in German, SAP stands for Stupiden Assen Programmen, which in English translates to Not Very Good Program. Now my son is in the garage with four of his friends, and they're all wearing tight T-shirts, doing synchronized dance moves and singing in high voices because of their tight underpants. It's a mother's worst nightmare. Thanks a million, IID. Thanks a million, SAP. "

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