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Voice: Thanks to Falwell, he's gone straight

September 20, 2001

An open letter to Rev. Jerry Falwell:

Dear Jerry,

As of today, I am an EX-gay. I understand you have apologized for charging that gays, lesbians, liberals and other human garbage were responsible for the bombings in New York.

Don't apologize, Jerry. You receive your messages directly from God, and you base all of your conclusions on God's word, so you should never apologize.

Besides, your sharp words drove me to the altar of repentance. I hereby recant all of my homosexual inclinations. I am sure Satan will pursue me, so I plan to sign up for your special program (the one that is guaranteed or my money back) to change gays to militant heterosexuals overnight. Once I am a confirmed heterosexual I intend to contact your friends, congressmen Robert Barr and Henry Hyde and Jimmy Swaggart for some brief lessons on adultery and fornication as proof that my conversion is secure.


Now Jerry, I know you are a Christian soldier and you have said several times that we must attack the source of this terror and wipe it from the face of the earth.

Once I have purged every evil vestige of my gayness (with your help) I want to be the first to enlist in your new army of righteousness. I am well aware that you and your friend Rev. Pat Robertson are close advisers to the current administration in Washington. As you and I and all of the redeemed prepare to do battle, I urge you to contact the president and advise him that the real targets are not in far-off Afghanistan and other pagan hideouts, but right here at home. Therefore we should turn our cruise missiles, Patton tanks and F-15 fighters toward Hillcrest and San Francisco.

Once we have cleaned out those vile headquarters of homosexuality in California, perhaps the Lord will look more kindly on our attempts to kill pagans in other countries. Surely, Reverend, with your discernment and steady flow of e-mails from God, you can persuade the president that we must first clean out the perverts at home. We will save billions of dollars by attacking the gay terrorist cells in our own Christian nation.

As a new convert, I want to be in the front lines of this crusade. Today I burn my rainbow flag and raise the flag of the Christian soldier.

I am a teacher and I must admit I should have had the wisdom to confront my hideous moral condition before this. Indeed, the day you said you would point your finger in my face and find me responsible for 5,000 deaths in New York, I was busy with trivial concerns. That day I was engaging my high school students in a discussion about terrorism, the geography of the countries concerned and some of the bitter issues that underlie this conflict (such as religious sectarianism and dangerous fanatical religious leaders).

I was urging the students to be thoughtful and not allow anyone to scapegoat Muslims in our community or the country. I was wrong. I should have been admitting my complicity in this affair and been humbly conceding that I was not morally fit to lead a class of students.

Thanks, Jerry, for all of the light you have shed. You are my hero!


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