As usual, the second Tombee is for Best Comeback. Last year the award went to Mario Lemieux. This year it goes to Michael Jordan. M.J. has come back and proven once and forever that he is the greatest basketball player ever to live. If he can do what he's doing at age 38, then I'm no longer going to doubt that he can do anything.
This year's award for Biggest Collapse goes to the football team from San Diego. No, not the SDSU Aztecs, I'm talking about the Chargers. Fans of the Bolts were certainly abuzz eight weeks ago when the team was 5-2, now they're 5-9 and going nowhere. I say bench the old man midget and let the young QB play. Hey, it couldn't get any worse.
Our next award goes for the Biggest Spaz. This one will easily go to Arizona Cardinal kicker Bill Gramatica, who actually injured himself celebrating a made field goal. Enough said.
The award for Sports Entertainer of the Year goes to Hurricane Helms. If you're ever watching the WWF and you need a laugh, you know that guy's going to deliver. My biggest question at this point is, where has he gone? He's hardly shown his face since the disappearance of WCW. What's up with that?
The award for Best Impersonation of English Soccer Hooligans will have to be shared by the fans of the New Orleans Saints and Cleveland Browns. Come on fellas, there's no reason to waste perfectly good beer by throwing it on the field.
The Munchee Tombee (actually a big bowl of Cool Ranch flavor Doritos) goes to Lamar Odom, Nate Newton, Darrell Russell and all the rest of those athletes out there living those high times.
The Best Bust Tombee goes to former San Diego Padre great Ken Caminiti. The tale of how the third baseman (and obvious genius) gave the keys to his new Mercedes to some crackhead, who was subsequently busted and led police back to Cami's hotel room is one of the funniest things we've ever heard. Ken, if you're gonna smoke the rock, then perhaps you should exercise a little more common sense in choosing your location and pipe partners.
This year's Biggest Disappointment award goes to the Detroit Lions for not managing to go 0-16. I think if they'd only tried a little harder they could have done it, but I guess perfection is just too hard to achieve.
This year's Best Feud Tombee is going to Lennox Lewis and Hasim Rahman. Once again, this was one of the toughest categories to pick. I liked Kyle Turley vs. New York Jet Damien Robinson, but we stuck with the boxers. The fact that they could break it down to questioning each other's sexuality made it all seem like they were back on the playground and that's just the way a true feud should be.
And finally, the award you've all been waiting for. This year's Sports Moment of the Year Tombee goes to Anna Kournikova, even if she never sets foot on the tennis court again.