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View from the pew

December 21, 2001|By Jerry Godsey, special to this newspaper

"I am the ghost of Christmas columns past. Now you will relive some past Christmas rants …"

· I'll be honest with you, I hate Christmas. I can't stand Santa Claus, elves make me nervous (it's those pointy ears — something's not right!), Christmas trees give me a rash, snow makes my knees ache, and if I hear "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" one more time I'm gonna commit a ho-ho-ho-homicide.

· I spent the night at my mom's house the other night and she proudly showed off this animatronic Christmas tree she has. What's really frightening about this thing is that somebody actually thought this thing up.

What kind of fruitcake says, "You know what would be really cool? How about a tree with a mouth and eyes? And when you clap or make a noise near it, it starts singing ‘Jingle Bells.' That would be great, wouldn't it? Where's my screwdriver…."

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Worst of all, the stupid tree doesn't even sing the right words. Finish the last line of the song, "Oh what fun it is to sing a sleighing song…." What comes next? TONIGHT! Right? Not to this forest-reject, made-who-knows-where, Yuletide wannabe. No, this tree sings something else altogether. Hey, Goober, quit messing around with stuff!

· "Dear Santa, I want a new bike. Not a red one, a metallic blue one with streamers and a red seat. I'll take it if it has a blue seat, but not a green one. I hope you do better this year, because last year the doll you gave me lost its head. Love, Becky"

Well, Becky, maybe you shouldn't have slammed the doll's head in the bathroom door when you were mad at your mom. Yep, Santa knows that, I know everything, remember?

Becky, you are a spoiled brat. You're not getting a bike this year. You're getting underwear."

I got this from "Mikey's Funnies …"

Top 10 least popular holiday TV specials:

10. "Rudolph The Insurance Adjuster"

9. "Mary, Joseph and the Donkey's Wet, Hacking Cough"

8. "It's an Above Average Life"

7. "A Charlie Brown Parole Hearing"

6. "Frosty 2: The Revenge"

5. "It's a Claymation Hanukkah!"

4. "The Whoville Seven"

3. "Live from Las Vegas: The Grinch IS Elvis!!"

2. "The Innkeeper's Dental Appointment"

1. "The Night Santa Snapped"

Oh, I could go on and on with my disdain for Christmas — at least, Christmas the way we celebrate it. Instead, I want to take a couple moments to focus on the real, and only, reason for the season: love.

Yep, boys and girls, it was love that brought Christmas. God's unmerited, inexplicable, totally selfless, all-encompassing love.

Without God's love, Jesus would be unnecessary. We would all be damned to hell for our sins, and that would be the end of it. But God's great love for us spared us and motivated God to send His own Son for us.

Jesus came for me.

Jesus came for you.

Jesus came for those who love Him.

Jesus came for those who hate Him.

Jesus came for dope addicts, alcoholics, teetotalers, atheists, Christians, homosexuals, heterosexuals, Buddhists, Catholics, Muslims, people who listen to polka music and anyone else who needs salvation (everybody).

I don't know who wrote the following, but I love it:

"The Lord Jesus Christ whom we exalt at Christmas is not just a baby in a manger. He is not a character in a children's story. He is far more.

"The first time He came, He came veiled in the form of a child. The next time he comes, and we believe it will be soon, He will come unveiled, and it will be abundantly and immediately clear to all the world just who He really is.

"The first time He came, a star marked His arrival. The next time He comes, the whole heavens will roll up like a scroll, and all the stars will fall out of the sky, and He himself will light it.

"The first time He came, wise men and shepherds brought Him gifts. The next time He comes, He will bring gifts, rewards for His own.

"The first time He came, there was no room for Him. The next time He comes, the whole world, the whole world will not be able to contain His glory.

"The first time He came, only a few hundred attended His arrival — some shepherds and some wise men. The next time he comes, every eye shall see Him.

"The first time He came as a baby. Soon he will come as Sovereign King and Lord."

Again this year I will implore you, spend some time with the real reason for Christmas. You'll be glad you did.

Still hating elves and all the other stuff … Jerry

>> Jerry Godsey can be reached by writing godzilla51@prodigy.net

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