Life out here by Bret Kofford: Counting the reasons not to live in L.A.

January 02, 2002

POMONA — Twenty-seven reasons to not live in the Los Angeles area:

1. Traffic arteries more clugged than the valves in Dick Cheney's heart

2. People from New York who always moan about how much they hate Los Angeles and love New York but never move back to New York

3. Fontana

4. The Los Angeles Dodgers

5. Pamela Anderson

6. 10,000 more Pamela Andersons

7. Every other male waiter in every restaurant being named Chad

8. The Los Angeles Dodgers

9. A general gray-brown haze caused by smog


10. A general gray-brown haze caused by everything but smog

11. A general gray-brown haze mindset

12. A blow-dried 1980s style geek in the Chinese restaurant untying his "Flashdance"-hip girlfriend's top so she'll show more cleavage, then calling his ex-wife on his cell phone, and, in a voice loud enough to disrupt the conversations of everyone else in the restaurant, arguing with his ex-wife about visitation of their teen-age son, until both realize neither knows where the boy has been staying the last few days

13. Colton

14. People who think being rich removes any chance of being punched in the eye when they are rude to others

15. Every town looking like the next town and the next town and the next town

16. And the next town

17. The hotel desk clerk calling me "dude"

18. Fred Durst

19. 10,000 more Fred Dursts

20. Billboard after billboard telling me Willow (or Amber or Brandy or Misty or Meadow) is ready to dance personally for me at Tails-A-Waggin' in beautiful downtown Rialto.

21. "OK, you just take the 10 west to the 101 north to the 210 east to the 405 north …. No, wait dude, take the 57 north to the 10 east to the …

22. White guys with dreadlocks

23. White guys with cornrows

24. Many of Snoop Dogg's bodyguards are still on the streets

25. Little support for my theory that Brad Pitt looks like a chimp

26. The people on TV dating shows actually live here

27. The Los Angeles Dodgers

Two reasons to visit the Los Angeles area:

1. Kings hockey in the Staples Center

2. In-N-Out burgers

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