Life out here by Bret Kofford: Tuning in to ‘The O'Really Factor'

January 09, 2002

NEW YORK — "Hello, I'm Bill O'Really and welcome to the ‘O'Really Factor.' And remember, no spinning.

"Tonight our guest will be Dr. Hiram Faroodish, esteemed professor of Middle Eastern studies at Northeastern University, which is in … well, it's somewhere up in the Northeast.

"But first a few comments:

"Hey, folks, don't forget the Taliban are our enemies. Take one look at them and you know you're not exactly going to invite them over for beers and a Jacuzzi.

"We just got in word here at the ‘O'Really Factor' that some young people are using drugs. Let's put a stop to that now, folks.


"In case you don't know it, Saddam Hussein is still in charge in Iraq, and there is only one person to blame for that. I am not going to name him. Here's a hint. You know who he is.

"Hey rock stars, I have a message for you: Get some morals and then get some better haircuts.

"Not to toot my own drum, but I don't think anyone in their right mind would doubt that I, Bill O'Really, had as much to do with this country righting itself after Sept. 11 as anybody. I think in order, the people most responsible for getting this great nation back on its feet would be: 1. President Bush 2. Me 3. Lee Greenwood. 4. Rudy Giuliani 5. The cast of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond,' not because they did anything in particular but because the show is such a wholesome laugh riot.

"Hey, I never even liked George Clooney back when he was on ‘ER.' As far as television hospital dramas go, George Clooney is no Christina Pickles.

"And finally, this whole liberal idea of cats mating with humans is weird. Come on, people, where are our morals?"

"Our guest today is Dr. Hicam Fatoodi of Northeastern University, which we've just uncovered at ‘The Factor' is up there in Boston. That's quite a development there, folks.

"Dr. Frutiddi, welcome to the ‘O'Really Factor No Spin Zone.' Let me ask you a question, sir. Why is it when I watch all these other talk shows you and these other so-called Middle East experts are always either trying to put a positive or negative spin on the Arab world?"

"Excuse me, Mr. O'Really but I have spent the last 15 years out of the country so I am not familiar with the term ‘spin.' Could you explain it to me?"

"That's spin right there. You certainly know what spin is, sir."

"No, I really don't, and the name is Faroodi. You haven't gotten it right yet. Please if you will tell what spin is I will refrain …"

"Sir, you are spinning more than even the Tazmanian Devil, who we had on last week to talk about trade with the Pacific Rim. He didn't know a damn thing about that subject, but it was good for the ratings, I'll tell ya. Everyone loves a Looney Tune, although I personally was never fond of Sylvester. With that lisp of his and his butt-stuck-up-in-the-air walk, I thought as a blue-collar, typical American male, that Sylvester came across as a bit light in the paws, if you know …"

"Excuse me, Mr. O'Really, we seem to be getting off of the subject. If you could just tell me what the term spin …"

"More spin."

"But I don't know what you are referring to because …"


"Stop saying that, sir. You are driving me crazy and …"

"Dr. Fruitloopi, thank you for coming in and enlightening our viewers on this essential matter on ‘The O'Really Factor.' You, sir, are a fine man. This has been a wonderful, deep conversation and you are a credit to your profession and Northwestern University.

"Now for a few closing comments:

"Hey Congress, if you can't stand the heat, turn down the thermostat.

"We need more television shows with wholesome family values. Where is ‘Love Boat' when you need it?

"All those people who criticize me as not being the down-to-earth everyman I truly am are just sad, poor reporters at little newspapers who are jealous of the millions I make and my millions and millions of fans. Just the other day I said to my limo driver who drives me to work every day, ‘Ricardo or Roberto or whatever the hell your name is, am I a normal, average guy?' After he said ‘yes' I told him to roll up the partition so I could read my voluminous fan mail, and as the world's most famous talk show host/commentator and the nation's leading author, let me tell you, my fan mail is voluminous, folks.

"Hey, here's news for you people in Washington. This recession is popular with no one. Do something about it.

"OK, I can handle the French claiming French toast, but if they ever try to claim pigs in a blanket they're going to have to deal with me.

"Hey homeless people. I have a message for you … find a place to live.

"I'm Bill O'Really. Thanks for tuning in to the ‘O'Really Factor.' "

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