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Life out here by Bret Kofford: Tuning in for "Zee Bullet"

January 23, 2002

Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the man with ice water in his veins, the man who plays through all pains, the man with something special in his Hanes, your host of ‘The Bullet,' international tennis star Bjorn Borg."

Borg: "Velcome, viewers to ‘Zee Bullet,' ABC's ultimate test-of-courage reality show. All zee other test-of-courage shows pale in zee comparisons to ‘Zee Bullet.' Our format is quite simple. Average people from around zee Nort America volunteer to appear on zee show and win zee fame and zee fortune. All zay have to do is take (the crowd screams in unison) ZEE BULLET.

"Zee points are avawrded in two areas: how well zee person can endure zee pain in the first area. The less crying and grimacing and vining, the more points avawrded. The second criteria is zee area of zee body in vich zee person is shot. A panel of doctors, paramedics and dominatrixes (cut to the group of judges waving happily to viewers) vil establish points avawrded on zee basis of how much pain and how much damage zee bullet vil do in each bodily area.

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"At the end of zee shooting season, any of zee five highest point-scorers who can valk or crutch onto stage vil have zee chance to take one more bullet and be our grand prize vinner of $20,000.

"As many of you remember, one of our contestants from last veek, Paul Bryan Helling of Minot, N.D., is our current leader after choosing to take a bullet to zee pancreas. He immediately vent into a coma, but did so vit a smile on his face, so he got many points for his decorum after being shot.

"Our first contestant today is Gino Pasquerelli, a dry valler from Piscataway, N.J., who has accidentally punctured himself vis construction staplers 63 times, so he knows something about zee pain. Velcome Gino."

Pasquerelli: "It's an honor to meetcha, Mr. Boig."

Borg: "Mr. Pasquerelli, judging from your name, we can assume your family knows a little bit about pain from bullets."

Pasquerelli: "Uh, 'scuse me theyah, Mr. Boig, I'm not sure I get yer drift theyah. I hope that wasn't no ethnic joke or nothin', cuz there ain't no Mafia and I got my friend Mr. Crobaw here wif me if …"

Borg: "OK then, on with the mayhem. Mr. Pasquerelli, ver vil you take (pause for dramatic effect as the crowd joins in) ZEE BULLET?"

Pasquerelli: "I've decided to take one in the thigh, Mr. Boig."

(Boos cascade from the crowd.)

Borg (with a wry smile): "Let's consult vith our judges on zat … Remember, Vito, you get fewer points if you take a bullet to vun of zee fleshier parts of zee body. Jennifer Lopez took vun to the hiney during "Celebrity Zee Bullet" and didn't even feel it until two veeks later, ven she started grinding her money-maker vile shooting her next wideo … OK, our judges have ruled zat you can only get 15 points for a shot to zee zigh, and even with almost no writhing in agony you would have little chance to make it to zee finals and zat big $20,000 prize vith zat shot.

"So, I must ask you, Vito Pasquerelli, is zat your final target?"

Pasquerelli (smiling): "OK, OK you convinced me, Mr. Boig. I'll take one to the spleen." (Loud cheers from the crowd)

Borg: "Vonderful. Our judges are saying, yes, you can get 82.5 points for a bullet to zee spleen. Now, it is time to bring on our celebrity shooter for zis veek. He is a man who often has a good day but this one is going to get even better because he is going to get to shoot someone. Yes, it's zee famous rapper and actor Ice Cube." (The crowd roars as Ice Cube strolls on stage)

Cube: "Where's the freakin' spleen, man? Yo, I ain't go no time for findin' no spleens. How 'bout I just shoot the homey in the head?"

Borg: "Vell, Cube, my main homey, the target site is up to Vito, but vil have to all talk about zat after this verd from zese sponsors of (the crowd chants in unison) ‘Zee Bullet.'"

Announcer (in a soft voice before cutting to commercial): "In a programming note, because anesthetized contestants are not allowed to compete, Winona Ryder will not appear on next week's ‘Celebrity The Bullet.'"

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