YOU ARE HERE: IVPress HomeCollections

Voice: You know you are old when …

May 07, 2002

Your birthday suit crinkles like crepe and parts of you flake and peel away.

Your smile greets you in the morning from a glass on your bedside table.

You think of a 30-year-old as a mere child and a teen-ager as an infant.

You no longer aspire to be the greatest at anything. Even to enter a Laz-y-Boy recline-a-thon seems too much effort.

You no longer feel that you have to compete with anyone. Ever.

You no longer try to look 30 years younger than you are or be 30 pounds lighter.

You have become a platinum blonde the hard way. Or if male, hairless.

You have to choose being too pleasingly plump or looking like the saggy baggy elephant. You no longer care what or care people think.


You are not afraid of hell fire descending to engulf you when you say "Damn it"! With due provocation.

You would rather be a wall flower than have to dance.

You mail letters to the editor with first or last page missing or send to the wrong person.

You would rather read True Crime stories than True Romances.

You no longer weave romantic fantasies about some long-lost love.

You stop wearing figure revealing clothing and dress for creature comfort.

You are freezing while everyone around you is having hot flashes.

When, at a checkstand, the clerk tries to give your orange to the person behind you.

You become invisible. You are treated as if you weren't there.

You go to the hospital or to a doctor's office, and the receptionist asks the person with you, "Can he/she sign his/her name?"

The doctors then ask this other person what your simptoms are, and prescribe to her. You take more medicine than food.

The environment changes until you are no longer in control of it. City blocks become longer, and up hill. Curbstones grow in height. The bathtub becomes almost impossible to get into.

One is at last believed to be too old to baby-sit. (free at last!)

You start saving money not for pleasure trips or luxury items but for your funeral.

You really know you are growing old when the only time you see your friends' names in the newspaper is in the obituaries.

I hesitate to mention memory lapses. One can have them at any age. They are somehow more noticeable (and terrifying) when one was old.

How do I know these things?

Been there. Done that.

Most of it, anyway.


(I think my name is)

El Centro

Imperial Valley Press Online Articles