Having to live in a region and be subjected to all of the baloney was awful, as some of you might imagine.
There were three things that she did, however, that stick out in my mind. The first was when her home was supposedly attacked by mortar, 105 millimeter Howitzer, tanks and intercontinental ballistic missile. Feinstein rose above the fray and blamed the attack on machine-gun wielding outlaws, thus sparing manufacturers, distributors and owners of mortars, Howitzers, tanks and ICBMs from her wrath.
I just want to thank her from my heart and say it was naughty of you machine-gun toting criminals to have riddled the home of such a fine upstanding statesman, I mean stateswoman.
The next thing I, and all of you should be grateful for to the senator is her singlehanded closing of the gay bath houses in San Francisco. Now, don't get me wrong, I have never been to a bath house of any kind, and I sort of miss my Navy days out at sea where we were only allowed to bathe once a week due to there being limited quantities of water.
The closures came in the days when gay men were thought to be endangering their health through such unprotected and intimate contact.
Because the senator was bold enough to take such a tough stance, the potential spread of some ugly diseases was halted, or perhaps at least, slowed-down.
The bath house closures also led to the subsequent sex education of your children. How? Well, when the bath houses were closed men then took to meeting each other in highway rest stop restrooms. It became the perfect opportunity for little José to see first-hand what could be done with another male, and it was the kind of stuff you don't get to see first-hand even in health classes in today's ultra-liberal schools.
You should all show your gratitude, as I am.
The final thing I wish to thank the senator for is for her always gracious welcome of Fleet Week in San Francisco. I'm sure the officers on all those ships were made to feel right at home. As far as the enlisted personnel, it was always a treat to pull into Frisco, as there were lots of thing to do like go to the O'Farrell Theater and the Lilly Theater — both live-sex joints with audience participation — massage parlors, peep shows and pick-up hookers for $20 a shot.
For that I'm sure the Navy, and I, are eternally grateful to the then-mayor. She sure knew how to make a man feel welcome in her Baghdad by the Bay.
A tip o' the hat to ya, ma'am.
(I heard last week the senator's name is being mentioned as a potential candidate for vice president or even president in 2004. This is something Mexicans should embrace to its fullest, what with Feinstein demanding that the Imperial Irrigation District fallow land, which, according to economic reports, could cost between 500 and 2,000 jobs. Not to worry, however. When you lose your jobs, Feinstein — and Gray Davis, both good Democrats — will be there to give you pounds of free government cheese.)
On a Democrat-related issue, someone forwarded a Desert Sun story to me in which another heavyweight on Colorado River issues weighed in. Inner city and land-locked Assemblyman Thomas Calderón, D-Montebello, reportedly said this to IID representatives regarding comments to Feinstein.
"I ask you to strongly relay to your clients to keep your mouth shut on this issue and show some respect," Calderón is quoted.
Like other good Democrats, Calderón wants the water from the Imperial Valley and if you lose your jobs, well, take it up with the Democrats.